Coping with crisis is an individual response.

This page exists because I am out of work.
This page exists because I am scared for my future.
This page exists because everyone copes with crisis in their own way.
This page exists because of a global pandemic.
This page exists.

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a spot for me to collect my thoughts over the coming days, weeks, …

19 March 2020 - A Little Prayer

My initial reaction to the circumstances of the evolving crisis was that of trying to find some comfort. For myself. For others. It was the beginning of uncertainty here in the U.S. In Texas there seemed to be a willful indifference to everything. Schools were just going to be closed for spring break, or add a week after break. Businesses were going as if nothing was changing. This is just to say we didn’t really know yet the impact it was going to have on us here, we were still thinking it was only happening there. So after two solid months of working everyday between teaching and six weeks of shows, suddenly there was

nothing

and it was terrifying. I have a love/hate relationship with my marimba. I don’t really play it much anymore. My time is consumed with a private lesson studio and musical theater. I play drum set way more than anything else these days. Which with my background as a mallet percussionist still shocks me to this day. Anyway, I was thinking about this particular piece, “A Little Prayer,” well it just kind of popped into my head one day. And I just felt I needed to play it. It’s really a beautiful piece. Simple. But in it’s simplicity is much depth, at least for me. There is clarity in something so simple. Musicians—ok maybe just percussionists—have this seeming fascination with what’s new and harder and faster and louder. It is like a desire to outdo everyone else. Maybe it’s because we’re such a young field compared to other instrumentalists. We still feel we have something to prove. It partly makes sense because techniques that once existed to the older players has become more common in each new crop of young percussionists. They’re more technically able at younger ages. I want to emphasize technically here, not musically. I think nuance and musical sensitivity of younger players is still quite lacking compared to their technical abilities. So a piece like “A Little Prayer” that is seemingly simple, demands attention to phrasing, voice leading, and breath that asks for a maturity that seems at odds with the limited technical demands. This makes me sound like a curmudgeon I’m sure, very “get off my lawn”-ish. But really, there is so much beauty that often gets overlooked, now seems like a time to rediscover, or perhaps just discover, that which is plainly obvious to us if we would simply stop. Breathe.

30 March 2020 - Attempted Collaboration

I believe most musicians spend a majority of their time making music with others instead of on their own. I don’t mean individual practice time, but in the performance of music. I was asked to be part of a test using the Acapella app on iOS to collaborate with some other musicians. I recorded my parts and then sent it on for the next person. I was less than impressed with the final result. Maybe it was the different ways we all had of recording our parts, or issues with the video processing at certain points as each player added in, but there were timing issues despite a metronome that clicks along while you play. As everyone involved was a great musician, there is no way someone would for no reason pull away from a click for as long and as hard as was present in the video. So somewhere in the process the click was driven off (I can see this happening as video and other sound is still running and device tries to keep up). It’s like when you’re watching a video and it freezes for a moment and spits out frames at a faster rate to catch back up. There were four of us recording seven video tracks. All have different setups and hardware. Who knows what caused the issue. Attempted collaboration. It sounds like a crime, and kind of sounded like one, too. There are other ways, with more reliable audio and video editing capabilities besides an app. Everyone thinks everything has to be an app, but computers and dedicated software exist for a reason. I’ll keep any future attempts to mediums more capable to handle them. /shrug

Of course this whole yearning to collaborate makes some sense. We’re suddenly alone—socially and professionally. As someone that makes their living in live theater though, this doesn’t feel like collaboration, at least not in the sense I’m used to. Is this what session musicians feel like? Drums lay a track, bass comes in another day, guitar the next, and on down the line. It doesn’t make me feel like I’m part of anything, so is it worth the energy? If my overall desire is to create a moment with other people, does the distinct lack of that feeling mean I won’t be satisfied?

5 April 2020 - Over the Rainbow

Day 20 of no work and sheltering in place. Hard to believe it’s been this long already yet at the same time feels like it’s been forever. How can time feel like both concurrently?

I’m comfortable being alone. I have lived alone for quite some time. But you realize all the little ways you interact with other people in your day. Simple moments. Catching someone’s eye when you’re stopped at a red light, or the nod and hello when you walk passed someone on your way to the mailbox.

The slow creeping in of wanting to be on the other side of this. But we don’t know what the other side of this is or when it might even happen. It becomes almost mystical. You grasp at this ephemeral moment. It made me think of Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz.

16 April 2020 - Go forth. But only virtually.

This new site is live. It’s been days of trying out different formats, revamping and reorganizing, adding lots of new content. It’s not finished. But it’s close. Are we ever finished anyway? So I put it out there, hoping someone might find some part of it useful.

Also, I really need a haircut.

Four weeks of being home. I got to wondering, what is an average day like for me right now. So I did some math:

Not hard to notice there was a slight gap between the last post and this one. Understandable (I hope). What started as a venture in “flattening the curve” turned into life-altering consequences for many. Thanks to the inability of some people to take an actual global pandemic seriously, most of us (especially in the arts) went from a month of no work to an entire year of income being wiped out. So the idea of chronicling a slight inconvenience quickly gave way to the realization this was going nowhere anytime soon. For me, I didn’t have the energy or desire to keep up appearances. Lots of people found solace or clarity in writing. It was not the way for me. We all suffered differently since March 2020. We all thrived differently since March 2020.

Thrived in this instance can be the optimistic idea of great flourishing. And lots of people did. They fell in love with new hobbies and developed new passions and hopeful outlooks on life.

Thrived in this instance can be the less optimistic idea of did-as-necessary-to-get-by. And lots of people did. They shut down and developed new insecurities and doubtful outlooks on life.

I think some people took a little of both of these. I know I did. I found there were things that brought me no joy as they once did. And I found joy in some things I didn’t expect.

The toll of the pandemic in the United States bubbling along with the racism and xenophobia that have always been here again boiled over. As a white person, I am not here to write on the experiences of racism particularly within the field of percussion. Read here or here, for starters. But this is just to say that the last 15 months have been more than a health crisis. People have suffered injustice and inequity, which is not a new phenomenon despite how some people seem to react to it… There is much talk about a return to “normal” but it is frightening to think we would want things to be as they were back before March 2020. Don’t forget that normal was not working for many people. Normal was actively oppressive for many people. As June 2021 rolled around and in many places Pride events have announced a return after being cancelled last year, I hope others (especially gay white men like myself) remember that Black trans women are one of the most vulnerable populations in the United States. Their identity means the inequality and prejudice they face exists on multiple fronts. For me, Pride is about committing to uplift others and supporting the work of local organizations like The House of Rebirth and Afiya Center.

We are all changed. I no longer feel like I “Shelter in Place” but rather “Place in Shelter.” That makes sense in my head but is maybe harder to express…I find I can no longer put energy into things that don’t give me a sense of purpose and belonging. As almost everything (in Texas at least) is “reopened” I am, like many others, figuring out how to integrate this new me into society and work.

ps. f__k Joss Whedon